Life at my house

Episode #1

Imagine coming home at 4:30 p.m. and realizing you have nothing quick to make for dinner.  Husband needs to leave at 5:00 p.m. for a yucky graveyard shift so you feel like you should do something decent for him to get him through the next 10 hours.  Kids want homemade tacos.  Can you do it? Yes, I think I can.  Hurriedly start making taco shells and shredding lettuce and grating cheese and defrosting meat.  Things are going good... moving like a F5 tornado through the kitchen space.. Place the taco shells into the hot grease, turn around to set the table, come back to the stove and holy shiz, a fire! Thats right, a fire.  started not with the hot oil, but with the paper towels too close to the gas stove! I became like Patrick Star for a moment, engrossed in the pyromania of it all.  But quickly I snapped out of it, more because I was worried about my taco shell going up in flames (those things are precious commodities).  Threw that burning paper towel right in the sink and went back to fixing dinner.  Oh yes, and I did save my taco shell.  Dinner on the table at 5:05 (Dad a little late for work, Mom a little worse for wear)

Episode #2

On the days that I work, I try to have dinner preparation mostly done for my family because 

a. I am controlling like that

b. I don't want them eating take out or pizza every tuesday and thursday

c. I feel guilty for not being home to make them a good meal

d. I like taking care of them

So, on thursday I get home from work and they were having spaghetti.  I ask Tanner how dinner was and 

He says "Good.  Oh, but Maddie started a fire."

Me, chuckling nervously-"No she didn't."

Tanner- "Yes she did, look in the garbage."

I look in the garbage and there is a plastic bread bag that looks as if it has been in some horrible accident-all charred and burned. (Maddie is not home to question at this time)

Me- "What the freak??? How did she do that???"

Tanner- "Mom? could you be quiet for a minute, I am watching Mythbusters"

Just kidding...

Tanner-"She put it in the microwave and it started on fire"

Now, really, I didn't think this was possible.  I have put plastic in the microwave before.  Didn't think it could or would start on fire.  I thought maybe, that it was just kind of this little bit spark of a fire.. oh no, I was wrong.  I went to the microwave.  The bread was still in there.  On a plate that should not be microwaved, of course.  As I go to remove the bread and plate, I realize there is standing water in the microwave.  

Me- "What the freak?? Why is there a lake in the microwave?"

Tanner- "Maddie didn't know what to do with the fire, so she ran and got dad and he threw a cup of water on it."

   Me- "What the freak??"

Really, my grown daughter did not put out a fire.. she ran to get her dad and my grown husband threw a cup of water INTO MY MICROWAVE  to put it out.  I mean, I guess it worked.  I loved how they left it for me to clean up though.  So thoughtful.  

Episode #3

Putting kids to bed tonight.  Todd was in charge of Luke (hard) and I was taking care of Sadie (easy).  This exchange occurred when Todd removed Luke's underwear to put him in his night-time diaper.

Luke- "Dad, look you made my penis go smawer! (smaller)"

Todd- "Hey, honey did you hear that!!??" Why do all guys think it is funny when there is a sentence with penis in it?

Luke- "Sometimes my penis gets showter, but mostly it's fattew and fattew and longew and longew"

Me- "Todd, do not laugh"

Todd- "he he he he"

Episode #4

Sadie laying in bed tonight with me.  

Sadie, "Mom, my penis hurts"

Wow, it is fun to be me.