My life is like a country song..

You know the drill with the country tunes.  They go a little like this... my dog died, my husband cheated, my mama baked me a pie and then it fell off the window sill, my daughter is pregnant by the local preacher's son, my truck blew a tire, someone spilled my beer, my milk cow stepped on my foot.. Well, my country song goes a little like this.

My dog didn't die.  She just insists on pooping all over my house.  As well as pooping, she has taken to throwing up.  I am not sure what her problem is, but she needs a serious upper GI work-up to get to the bottom of things.  And speaking of bottom, she may need a colonoscopy also.  If she doesn't die soon, she may die soon.  (Do you read me??)

My husband didn't cheat.  However, he did play another round of WARD basketball.  This time he was much less tenative and gentle with the other brethren.  He put some body on them. Needless to say, it was a bit difficult to watch.  So, he didn't cheat, but he has taken up with his favorite "mistress"-- WARD basketball.  It would make a very clever song if I was very clever..

My mama didn't bake me a pie (dam you mama!), but she did have 2 major surgeries this last week.  My mama came out here to the city and had 2 total knee replacements on Tuesday.  She is a bit of a narcotic virgin as I like to say and so she was completely and utterly stoned for 2 or 3 days. Seriously overmedicated, which was very annoying to her and scary to behold.  My mom, the druggie. She was convinced we had taken her out of the hospital and moved her to Rangely, Colorado.  Also convinced that she had bed bugs (she was higher than a kite.. drug-induced paranoia and itchiness, so great!).  We have finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel as we have reduced her intake of pain killers.  She is doing awesome now, which doesn't really go with my life as a country song, but I am happy, nonetheless.

Luckily, my daughter has not been impregnated, however, Sadie did decide she wasn't getting enough attention and so she decided she needed a trip to the ER the day after my mom's surgery.  Mom's surgery Tuesday-Sadie ER trip to Primary Children's on Wednesday morning. My life is AWESOME!! 

Let's review.. 

• Sadie gets sick with her fabulous metabolic condition (ketotic hypoglycemia) and we take her to Jordan Valley ER a few days before Thanksgiving.
  
• Sadie admitted to Primary Children's in November (3 days)
  
• Todd admitted to University of Utah in December (5 days)
  
• Todd off work, walker, pain, all of January.
  
• Mom gets surgery on January 25th.
  
• Sadie goes to ER at Primary Children's January 26th- stays all day, no nights though! 
  
• Mom stays at TOSH inpatient floor for 3 nights. 
  
• Mom moves to Healthsouth Rehab hospital for an undetermined length of time.
  

Super fun stuff, huh.  Good thing we have good health insurance (and a prescription for valium-kidding!)

Now, on with my country song.  My truck tire is grand, however, Todd did get pulled over the day of my mom's surgery for not stopping at a red light. YEE-HAW!!  Super awesome that we will have to pay $90 dollars for a red light infraction because he made a rolling stop on a red light and then turned right at the one intersection in Utah where you can't turn right on red.  

"I didn't stop, when I turned right... I turned right at a dang red light!"  (Sing in your best cowboy twang.. it will be a hit someday)

My favorite part of this story is the beer spilling story.  As you know, I have cut way back on the beer spilling, so it is not a beer spilling story, but I do have a beverage spilling story.  It involves my Mr Ashby.  My sweet husband enjoys eating everywhere but the bar or kitchen table.  His favorite place to nosh (I love that word.. nosh.. it make me feel so cool, like the stars in People magazine) is in our bedroom.  He not only partakes in food but beverage in our bed. I have determined that I love him just enough to overlook this annoying behavior.  I mean, he could be cheating on me, right? What does it matter if I have to bring 2 cups and a bowl and a plate down to the kitchen each day?  I have really accepted my husband's weirdness and I only nag him about it maybe 2 times a quarter.  SOOO, anywho.. I was making my bed yesterday and I inadvertantly tossed a pillow too close to my husband's milk glass from the night before. It tumbled down, down, down, down.  I may have swore.  I don't know because for about 2 minutes I couldn't see or hear.. all I saw was a white light.  When I became conscious of my surroundings again, I observed 8 ounces of milk strung about my room.. on my bed, on his bedside table, on the carpet, on his new laptop.. 

Oh, yeah, was I so excited and happy.  Let me just tell you how I handled this.  I finished making the bed and cleaned up my mess and then I calmly wrote him a love letter and put in on his side of the bed.  It began a little something like this.. 

My dearest husband, 

Thank you for drinking the milk that I buy you.  Thank you for letting me clean it up after I spilled it on our bed.  Thank you for never ever leaving a beverage in our room again.   Yes, it spilled on your computer.  No, I don't feel sorry for you.  

Love always, Your Staystay...

As far as the milk cow stepping on my toe, that didn't happen.  Although, Sophie did step on Luke's toe.  See, it is truly a country song in real life.